Saving Relationships – Step #7 – Not Feeling Loved?

For years I felt like if my husband really loved me 
he would not leave his clothes and shoes 
all over the house. 
It made me want to scream!

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I finally decided I would deal with the clothes because they were mostly left in our bedroom or bathroom…but not the shoes! No way – they landed everywhere! Sometimes I would trip on them which made me mad. This is embarrassingly immature but I often wished I would break my arm or something terrible so he would feel bad and learn his lesson! I can’t believe I just admitted that – haha
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I have no idea what triggered the changed in me, but finally, I realized how ridiculous my thoughts were.  How could I be so silly? Why couldn’t I just accept his love the way he showed love? Why did I set up this rule for myself……  
“I refuse to feel loved if you don’t put your shoes away.”   This may seem trivial, but I want you to know, my rule could have easily ruined us because you know what? Those thoughts led to a zillion other negative thoughts.I did my best….Early on I valiantly tried to teach him that every thing had a home.  Even in my irritation, he would make me laugh by telling me his shoes loved vacationing!  Amazing how humor takes the edge off our emotions. I just thank God I let go of that deadly rule – or I would have been choosing to be miserably unhappy to this day! He’s tons better now, but his shoes still go on vacation quite frequently.

Instead I now try to smile when I pick up his shoes and remember – I can let my rule ruin us or I can choose to accept him, and his love as he is able to give it.To my benefit, as I’ve accepted his gestures of love and chosen to cherish how he was trying, he has chosen to learn my love languages.

I can’t say I don’t ever feel irritated or let it put me in a bad mood – it still happens now and then but the rule has died. I don’t equate good housekeeping skills with love.

The bigger picture is – I try not to judge his heart through the lens of my expectations.

So you name it…… what’s your beef? What rule have you set up that’s detrimental to your relationship?  Are you willing to let go of the rule for the sake of your relationship?

Step #7 – Stop equating rules with love.

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This quote is from
John Wesely, 
not Jesus! 
Bummer!

Saving Relationships – Step #6 – Acknowledge the Facts about Happiness

1614054Are you ready to give up and just want someone to give you permission? Hang around unhappy people and you may get it faster than you want.


People get divorced in hopes that, once it’s all over they will be happier, but statistics don’t support this idea.  We’ve all witnessed the trauma people go through before and during the divorce and we assume that when it’s all over life will be better.

“Does Divorce Make People Happy?” was the title of a study done by The Institute for American Values published a in 2002.  Their study included people who reportedly had unhappy marriages. Some of those studied remained married despite being in miserable relationships while others divorced. Five years later, the ones who remained married reported a greater degree of happiness than those who divorced. Only 19% of those who had divorced (or separated) claimed to be happier while 66% of those who stayed married reported being much happier.

“In fact, the most miserable marriages had the most dramatic turnarounds. Seventy-eight percent of people who stayed in very unhappy marriages said that the marriages were currently happy five years later” according to a study by Psychology Today. According to the National Institute of Mental Health the depression rate in women goes up significantly with each divorce.  I didn’t see the stats for men, but I would imagine it is not a lot different.

So where will you put your efforts? I hope that before you give up you will give your all out effort to Saving Your Marriage. To do that, you have to stop thinking about divorce and focus on what you can do each day to make your marriage better.

Trying to turn things around by yourself can be a long and hard road and my blog may not be quite enough inspiration 🙂  Marriage Coaching is much cheaper than a divorce and a much more positive approach than counseling. My mission is to help marriages be wildly successful – whether I coach you myself or put you in touch with another great marriage coach.  Stay tuned and I will share about a dramatic 180 degree turn around I’ve recently been privileged to coach.  With their permission, I will tell you about a couple who for many many years communicated by screaming, yelling and silence to listening, caring, planning and dreaming together.

For more information, see the article “Don’t Divorce. Be Happy,” November-December 2002.

 

Saving Relationships – Step #5 – Grown Apart? How to Reconnect.

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Dave – lovin’ life!

If you’ve read steps 1-4, you may be thinking, “yeah those suggestions are all well and good, but more effort on my part is a futile waste of energy.”  I know that feeling. I’ve been there once or twice… and to keep it real, my husband has been there too. It’s possible you’re married to a psycho or sociopath – in that case, you probably aren’t reading this – but YOU are, so there is a ray (as small as it may be) of hope.

What makes me think all these little Action Steps will make a difference?  There are many reasons, but let me make one thing clear…. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it takes a commitment of love that continues to: “Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.”In response to my question – these type of things work because what humans long for is connection. From conception to the time we are born we are completely connected to our mothers for our very existence. Once the cord is cut we long to connect to others.

I have a son who loves to talk to me and listens pretty well too. I shared this idea and began to explain that the connection we all long for is to be listened to and understood. He immediately said that words are insufficient for being understood! So true. We agreed that the beginning of connection is to be listened to and cared for. We may not be able to understand, but we can care!  Just think about it, we begin to connect with people by being interested in them and in their interests. And we feel connected to others when they are interested in us and our interests. Steps 1-4 help you connect by showing you care.

Step #5 takes that connection a bit deeper. Talking about each other’s interests is great, but when we get involved with each others lives and your interest becomes my interest, we connect in a much bigger way.
Some therapists suggest that you should do this even if you don’t enjoy each other’s interests. That’s great if you can do  it with a cheerful heart, but it’s a terrible idea if you end up miserable – that takes the joy out of it for both of you!
Finding common ground for fun can be hard when you feel like you’ve “grown apart.” But here’s an example of how we’ve brought some joy back to our relationship. He loves to go on 3 or 4 day fishing trips. I don’t love fishing. That catch and release thing seems like such a waste of time but I do love being out on the water – for a while, so I will accompany him one day and maybe even do a little fishing. What I love is to be in a beautiful setting, with a good cup of coffee and a book. You get the idea. We were creative and it has worked out beautifully.

Irish novelist (1825) Maria Edgeworth says, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.”  I would change ‘toy’ to ‘boy’ and add that the same is true for Jill – except she doesn’t become a boy 🙂

The point being – relationships take work but without a good dose of fun on regular basis a marriage will be dull and unhealthy.

What will you do, this week, with your spouse, that is just plain fun – for both of you?

Step #5 – Connect by having fun together.

Saving Relationships – Step #4 – A Lesson From Rex

9370959We have a dog. His name is Rex. Something we’ve noticed over the years is how he is happiest to be with the one who has been giving him the most attention. 

No duh! He knows that I am the one who takes care of his needs most of the time, so I am in the alpha position and he is always loyal to me, but when I am too busy to be bothered with petting or playing with him, he doesn’t come running when I arrive home. He prefers the company of the one who gives him what he wants – not what he needs.

Maybe a good petting and a round of frisbee won’t do the trick, so think hard, what is it? What did you used to do for them that made them feel on top of the world?  Was it affirmation?

*It’s amazing what a few kind, meaningful words do for a person!

*Maybe you used to surprise them with little gifts?

*How about a little act of service that you know they’d appreciate.

*Likely your relationship thrived on the giving of your undivided attention on a regular basis and don’t forget those loving gestures of affection.

If your spouse isn’t all that interested in creating an awesome marriage – try going it alone. Some things are contagious! And who knows, you may end up reaping what you sow before too long.

If it’s been a while since you’ve cared enough to invest yourself in your marriage, just take one a day and make it simple. For instance:

*Monday -tell them what it is about them that makes      
   you proud -make it short and sweet

*Tuesday -drop by their office with their favorite drink

 *Wednesday  fill up their car with gas

 *Thursday -ask them about something they like to talk 
   about and REALLY listen

 *Friday -oops this one doesn’t work once a week – non 
   sexual affection is a daily thing   (see Saving   
   Relationships – Step #2 for more on this)

True words of affirmation, unexpected gifts that they like, acts of service (especially things they don’t enjoy doing),  really being heard and affection with no expectation – these are things every person on the planet earth desires.

PLEASE, please please do not use the daily plan as a formula. Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.

Step #4 – A Lesson From Rex: Give ‘em What They Want

Saving Relationships – Step #3 – How to Get Over The Past

8405503_origIs the past still hanging out the with you making it hard to take even these little steps in the right direction? 

The good news is that getting over your past is a done deal because guess what?  Your past is already over!  And you can let go of it too because it’s not holding you – you are holding onto it!  It’s your choice as to when you decide to let go. Yes, yes, I know – you want to, but it’s hard to do!!  (I asked one of my clients to read this prior to posting and they said that I needed to add…. “it may be hard, but the reward is soooooo worth it!)

So how do folks, who have gone through the most awful stuff, emerge on the other side with relationships that are stronger than before the trauma? Of course, if you think for just a second, you’ll know the answer, but I won’t make you think – I’ll just go ahead and blurt it out.  They learn from it! Yep, they allow the tough times to be what they are supposed to be
– a catalyst for growth rather than an excuse for destruction.

What will you choose? 

Catalyst For Growth  OR
Excuse For Destruction?

I’m going to assume you want to take the high road. And yes, it can be tough to climb high enough to reach that high road, but once you get there the results are far more pleasant – for everyone involved.

What does it take? Forgiveness may be the first thing that comes to mind, but what if you didn’t have to feel that pressure just yet?  What if all you need to do right now is  humbly accept the fact that what happened is not something you can do anything about and embraced the truth – it’s not worth your time and energy thinking about how things could have been different.  Then directed your focus (time and energy) into how you would like your future to look? Often we focus so much on trying to forgive that we stifle our growth and stay in unforgiveness way too long.  Maybe God’s way of helping us with  the feeling of forgiveness is to grant those feelings to us when we choose to stop focusing on how difficult it is and begin focussing on moving forward.

Every situation is different.  But the strategy is the same.  We have to change our mindset if we want to get over our past and look at it as a catalyst for growth. So begin asking yourself, how do I want to be different because of this?  What is my vision of a great relationship and what is my part in making it happen?

Step #3 – Get Over The Past by
Focusing on the Future You Desire