1. How will making this decision make my life better?
Making the decision will help me know how to proceed. I can either move forward with filing or take other steps forward to make my life better. I want to make the decision so that it stops gnawing at me and my buddies quit asking me when I’m going to file.
2. What if I just don’t decide or postpone making the decision?
I will keep asking the question which means I will keep fretting about it – or at best, wondering what the right decision is. The question seems like it’s the worst part.
3. What specifically, is making this decision difficult?
Statistics vs. what friends say.
4. What false beliefs am I hanging onto?
For some reason, I think I wouldn’t be a statistic. No one can honestly be sure that they would not be a statistic. I really don’t want to be that guy who has 3 ex-wives at his funeral. I’d rather not have one! The best scenario would be to leave an adoring wife behind – ha – I better not die tomorrow!
5. What is the ultimate outcome that I want and what will it take to get it?
What I want
- I want to be happy & Iwant her to be happy, or better yet, happily married.
- I want the best for my kids.
- This seems like it would take a miracle, but I’d like to befriends and lovers again.
What It Would Take
- To be happy? I’d have to believe that real joy and peace do not hinge on relationships or circumstances. I guess I can only try to improve ME and maybe that will make her happy? Doubtful. Her happiness is really up to her.
- To give my kids the best?….. I know statistics prove happy homes are the best for kids development, academically, emotionally and relationally.
- To have a good relationship with my wife? I know that you can’t have a happy home with unhappy people -I guess the best thing I can do is work on me -personal transformation – because I can’t blame all my crappy thinking on her – that would be unfair – she just makes it worse!
- HOPE, and prayers for a miracle.
6. How could it benefit me to include others in this decision making process?
If I want affirmation for getting a divorce, I can keep talking to all my unhappy buddies…… If I want affirmation for working it out, I can talk to people who are happily married and have been together a long time…. If I listen to both I will stay confused.
7. If I believed that whatever I chose would be good, what would I choose?
In times of frustration or anger, I’d say, ‘get divorced’ because it would relieve the immediate pain. When I’m more rational, of course I’d say, ‘stay together’ – it’s better in the long run…. if we can actually turn things around and make a happy home. We’d undoubtedly be modeling perseverance to our kids and friends – and perseverance is a virtue – right?
8. What will it take to feel good about making the decision?
I’ve been trying to make “US” better, but as I write this I’m thinking….maybe if I just focus on changes I, personally, can make. When I’m diligently working on me, I will feel more confident making the decision. If I’m giving my best to the relationship, I’ll know I haven’t just bailed or given up. I’d want to be totally sure of my decision because it is a life altering choice – not just for me, but for my kids, my wife and our families and friends. Divorce will affect all of our loved ones, but so does our nasty relationship!
9. What is the best timing for deciding and how can I make that happen?
I’ve been consumed thinking about it which is making me more miserable. I want to decide now. So….I’m deciding to work on me – now. Since I’d rather make this marriage good, I’m choosing to invest in it by changing me.
I’m not going to file – ever I hope, but at least not in the foreseeable future. Wow, this really changes how I feel. I feel like I can breathe and let stuff go and just do my best to be a good husband and father. It makes me feel less defensive and more in control. I don’t know why….
10. What is my next step?
Read Boundaries in Marriage, talk to my Aunt and Uncle who have been through hard times, but seem to be really happy now, and contact Suzette for ‘Lone Ranger Relationship Coaching.’