Dave – lovin’ life!
If you’ve read steps 1-4, you may be thinking, “yeah those suggestions are all well and good, but more effort on my part is a futile waste of energy.” I know that feeling. I’ve been there once or twice… and to keep it real, my husband has been there too. It’s possible you’re married to a psycho or sociopath – in that case, you probably aren’t reading this – but YOU are, so there is a ray (as small as it may be) of hope.
I have a son who loves to talk to me and listens pretty well too. I shared this idea and began to explain that the connection we all long for is to be listened to and understood. He immediately said that words are insufficient for being understood! So true. We agreed that the beginning of connection is to be listened to and cared for. We may not be able to understand, but we can care! Just think about it, we begin to connect with people by being interested in them and in their interests. And we feel connected to others when they are interested in us and our interests. Steps 1-4 help you connect by showing you care.
Step #5 takes that connection a bit deeper. Talking about each other’s interests is great, but when we get involved with each others lives and your interest becomes my interest, we connect in a much bigger way.
Some therapists suggest that you should do this even if you don’t enjoy each other’s interests. That’s great if you can do it with a cheerful heart, but it’s a terrible idea if you end up miserable – that takes the joy out of it for both of you!Finding common ground for fun can be hard when you feel like you’ve “grown apart.” But here’s an example of how we’ve brought some joy back to our relationship. He loves to go on 3 or 4 day fishing trips. I don’t love fishing. That catch and release thing seems like such a waste of time but I do love being out on the water – for a while, so I will accompany him one day and maybe even do a little fishing. What I love is to be in a beautiful setting, with a good cup of coffee and a book. You get the idea. We were creative and it has worked out beautifully.
Irish novelist (1825) Maria Edgeworth says, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.” I would change ‘toy’ to ‘boy’ and add that the same is true for Jill – except she doesn’t become a boy 🙂
The point being – relationships take work but without a good dose of fun on regular basis a marriage will be dull and unhealthy.
What will you do, this week, with your spouse, that is just plain fun – for both of you?
Step #5 – Connect by having fun together.