How To Have Great Relationships-but don’t expect to like it!

10994946_10153140305943846_8240182326330972053_nIf you’ve read books about leadership lately, you’ve seen the phrases below adapted and rephrased then touted as good leadership skills. No doubt, they are! But rarely do we consider the fact that these things can, and do, serve all of our relationships well. They are the nourishment needed to make them blossom and grow. Consider them like Miracle Grow for relationships!

  • Build each other up
  • Serve one another
  • Carry each other’s burdens
  • Forgive one another
  • Be at peace with each other
  • Comfort one another
  • Care for each other
  • Show kindness towards each other

Breakdowns in relationships often begin when we start expecting others to give to us the very things we once gave freely. i.e. the things listed above.

Books about living a fulfilling life are full of examples of how a person’s life changes and becomes gratifying when 1.) they begin to live for a bigger purpose than themselves and 2.) they focus on giving rather than receiving.

Implementing the things above gives new purpose and meaning to relationships. And many find a sense of fulfillment by choosing, on a daily basis, this selfless way of living. (Don’t worry, people who focus on the good of a relationship, choosing to be a giver, cannot be doormats – but that’s for another article.)

What if this year you decided to bring your best self to your relationships, treating others as you wish to be treated? What if your thoughts, words and actions were not dependant of their choice of words and actions? Sounds depleting to think about but once it becomes a way of life, the contrary is true.

You may even find yourself feeling like a great leader and will likely begin living a fullfilling life, thriving together with those you love.

If that seems like a far cry from where you are, but want to move in that direction, you might be interested in relationship coaching for individuals. My slots are very limited, but I have great referrals and we’re planning on doing a Relationship Group in April at the Coaching For Wholly Living Spring Summit. Be watching for details.

 Speaking of groups, and the Coaching For Wholly Living WINTER Summit, I’ll be posting some AMAZING testimonials soon.

I Can’t Get a Word In Edgewise!

got an email today from a gal and thought our exchange might be helpful for you too. She said, “Hey friend, appreciate some advice. What do you do when you meet with someone who talks a lot? Like so much that you can’t ever get a word in?”
My Reply: That’s a tough one because every situation is different. My advice, as usual, is ‘ask questions’, however, very often we need to start by asking ourselves a few questions. You may have other, more helpful questions for yourself, but here are some ideas….
What do I want out of the relationship?  (Many people are afraid to start here because they think it’s a selfish question. I don’t believe the question is selfish. However, the answer certainly could be…..  By asking the question, our motive is revealed. Sometimes we find our motives pure other times not, therefore I find it a very helpful place to start.)
What makes this relationship important?
What am I willing to risk to see if I can help create an environment for healthier communication?
How could I communicate my desires for our relationship and engage her/him in helping solve the issue? (Some people are super sensitive to their own flaws yet have no desire to change, therefore it is a good idea to ask the previous question first.)
Hope this helps. Keep me posted.
blessings on your day,

Suzette Parker, BCC, CRC
coachingforwhollyliving.com

Saving Relationships – Step #10 – Do Something Different

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People who have great marriages will tell you that great marriages do not happen with out great effort. It takes creativity, intentionality, persistence and dedication to the process.  It may come naturally to a few, but most of us are acutely, maybe even painfully, aware of the effort it takes.

 


I hate to admit that I am one of those who is acutely and yes, sometimes painfully aware, of the effort I have to make. I’m sure it’s my selfishness and pride that get in the way of a natural, wonderful flow of life with my man but I’m just like everybody else – I get busy and focussed on other things and my marriage becomes a side note, even a bother at times.  I first realized this about myself when I felt relieved when he went out of town. Becoming aware that it was MY lack of effort causing me to feel distant was revolutionary! I finally owned my responsibility in that distance. I couldn’t believe how differently I felt about him when I started putting “us” in a higher priority…. I’d always thought I felt distant because HE wasn’t prioritizing “us.”

I’ve learned that when I take responsibility, my perspective changes greatly. So what to do? How do you change your perspective? Changing what your doing helps.

One of my mottos for life that has served me very well: When something isn’t working – (or isn’t working as well as I’d like) – try something different.

You may have noticed that the Steps in this series do not necessarily build on each other. They are all separate thoughts and ideas and in no particular priority. To make the most of your marriage you may implement each one, but you may not. Relationships are even more unique than individuals because they combine the qualities of 2 people! You know your relationship better than anyone – so note what you’ve been doing, and try something different.

I try to remember what I say….“Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.”

One of the reasons Relationship Coaching is so effective is because coaching is tailored specifically to each unique relationship. Coaches have no set agenda or program except to work with you to strengthen your relationship. We enjoy being creative with you in developing an intentional plan of action. What ever path you choose for strengthening your relationship, I hope you will be dedicated, stick with it, and receive the same kind of wonderful blessings the couple I will tell you about in my next series of postings. A true story of transformation.

All the best to you as you put your best efforts into making your marriage great.

Step #10   
Do something different.                                                                                             Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent.

Saving Relationships – Step #7 – Not Feeling Loved?

For years I felt like if my husband really loved me 
he would not leave his clothes and shoes 
all over the house. 
It made me want to scream!

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I finally decided I would deal with the clothes because they were mostly left in our bedroom or bathroom…but not the shoes! No way – they landed everywhere! Sometimes I would trip on them which made me mad. This is embarrassingly immature but I often wished I would break my arm or something terrible so he would feel bad and learn his lesson! I can’t believe I just admitted that – haha
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I have no idea what triggered the changed in me, but finally, I realized how ridiculous my thoughts were.  How could I be so silly? Why couldn’t I just accept his love the way he showed love? Why did I set up this rule for myself……  
“I refuse to feel loved if you don’t put your shoes away.”   This may seem trivial, but I want you to know, my rule could have easily ruined us because you know what? Those thoughts led to a zillion other negative thoughts.I did my best….Early on I valiantly tried to teach him that every thing had a home.  Even in my irritation, he would make me laugh by telling me his shoes loved vacationing!  Amazing how humor takes the edge off our emotions. I just thank God I let go of that deadly rule – or I would have been choosing to be miserably unhappy to this day! He’s tons better now, but his shoes still go on vacation quite frequently.

Instead I now try to smile when I pick up his shoes and remember – I can let my rule ruin us or I can choose to accept him, and his love as he is able to give it.To my benefit, as I’ve accepted his gestures of love and chosen to cherish how he was trying, he has chosen to learn my love languages.

I can’t say I don’t ever feel irritated or let it put me in a bad mood – it still happens now and then but the rule has died. I don’t equate good housekeeping skills with love.

The bigger picture is – I try not to judge his heart through the lens of my expectations.

So you name it…… what’s your beef? What rule have you set up that’s detrimental to your relationship?  Are you willing to let go of the rule for the sake of your relationship?

Step #7 – Stop equating rules with love.

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This quote is from
John Wesely, 
not Jesus! 
Bummer!

Saving Relationships – Step #5 – Grown Apart? How to Reconnect.

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Dave – lovin’ life!

If you’ve read steps 1-4, you may be thinking, “yeah those suggestions are all well and good, but more effort on my part is a futile waste of energy.”  I know that feeling. I’ve been there once or twice… and to keep it real, my husband has been there too. It’s possible you’re married to a psycho or sociopath – in that case, you probably aren’t reading this – but YOU are, so there is a ray (as small as it may be) of hope.

What makes me think all these little Action Steps will make a difference?  There are many reasons, but let me make one thing clear…. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it takes a commitment of love that continues to: “Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.”In response to my question – these type of things work because what humans long for is connection. From conception to the time we are born we are completely connected to our mothers for our very existence. Once the cord is cut we long to connect to others.

I have a son who loves to talk to me and listens pretty well too. I shared this idea and began to explain that the connection we all long for is to be listened to and understood. He immediately said that words are insufficient for being understood! So true. We agreed that the beginning of connection is to be listened to and cared for. We may not be able to understand, but we can care!  Just think about it, we begin to connect with people by being interested in them and in their interests. And we feel connected to others when they are interested in us and our interests. Steps 1-4 help you connect by showing you care.

Step #5 takes that connection a bit deeper. Talking about each other’s interests is great, but when we get involved with each others lives and your interest becomes my interest, we connect in a much bigger way.
Some therapists suggest that you should do this even if you don’t enjoy each other’s interests. That’s great if you can do  it with a cheerful heart, but it’s a terrible idea if you end up miserable – that takes the joy out of it for both of you!
Finding common ground for fun can be hard when you feel like you’ve “grown apart.” But here’s an example of how we’ve brought some joy back to our relationship. He loves to go on 3 or 4 day fishing trips. I don’t love fishing. That catch and release thing seems like such a waste of time but I do love being out on the water – for a while, so I will accompany him one day and maybe even do a little fishing. What I love is to be in a beautiful setting, with a good cup of coffee and a book. You get the idea. We were creative and it has worked out beautifully.

Irish novelist (1825) Maria Edgeworth says, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.”  I would change ‘toy’ to ‘boy’ and add that the same is true for Jill – except she doesn’t become a boy 🙂

The point being – relationships take work but without a good dose of fun on regular basis a marriage will be dull and unhealthy.

What will you do, this week, with your spouse, that is just plain fun – for both of you?

Step #5 – Connect by having fun together.