Here are 10 questions to work through when making ANY decision. Below the questions, I’ve posted how they might play out for someone considering divorce.
1. How will making this decision make my life better?
2. What if I just don’t decide or postpone making the decision?
3. What specifically, is making this decision difficult?
4. What false beliefs am I hanging onto?
5. What is the ultimate outcome that I want and what will it take to get it?
6. How could it benefit me to include others in this decision making process?
7. If I believed that whatever I chose would be good and fit whole-heartedly with my values, what would I choose?
8. What will it take to feel good about making the decision?
9. What is the best timing for deciding and how can I make that happen?
10. What is my next step?
1. How will making this decision make my life better?
“I can’t stop thinking about it! Deciding would mean I either move forward with filing or take other steps forward to make my life better. I want to make the decision so that it stops gnawing at me and my buddies quit asking me when I’m going to file – I hate that! It’s like they know what is best for me. Making the decision will give me a sense of peace and help me get on with life. I need to be in a better mood!”
2. What if I just don’t decide or postpone making the decision?
“I will keep asking the question which means I will keep fretting about it – or at best, wondering what the right decision is. The question seems like it’s the worst part.”
3. What specifically, is making this decision difficult?
“I know the divorce rate is higher for second marriages. So I’m weighing the relief my friends have felt, at least initially, with the statistics. Would I be just as unhappy in a second marriage???”
4. What false beliefs am I hanging onto?
“For some reason, I think I would not be a statistic – a fresh start is what I need. On the other hand, no one can honestly be sure that they would not be a statistic. I really don’t want to be that guy who has 3 ex-wives at his funeral. I’d rather not have one ex! The best scenario would be to leave an adoring wife behind – ha – I better not die tomorrow!”
5. What is the ultimate outcome that I want and what will it take to get it?
What I want
- “I want to be happy & I want her to be happy, and… happily married.
- I want the best for my kids.
- This seems like it would take a miracle, but I’d like to us to be friends and lovers again. Even broken families seem to do best when the hostility goes away.”
What It Would Take
- “To be happy? I’d have to believe that real joy and peace do not hinge on relationships or circumstances. I guess I can only try to improve ME and maybe that will make her happy? Doubtful. Her happiness is really up to her. If I really work on me, she might actually, for once, work on herself.
- To give my kids the best? I know statistics prove happy homes are the best for kids development, academically, emotionally and relationally.
- To have a good relationship with my wife? I know that you can’t have a happy home with unhappy people -I guess the best thing I can do is work on me -personal transformation – because I can’t blame all my crappy thinking on her – that would be unfair – she just makes it worse!
- HOPE, and prayers for a miracle.”
6. How could it benefit me to include others in this decision making process?
“If I want affirmation for getting a divorce, I can keep talking to all my divorced buddies…… If I want affirmation for working it out, I can talk to people who are happily married and have been together a long time – surely they’ve all survived problems of some sort. …If I listen to both I will stay confused.”
7. If I believed that whatever I chose would be good, what would I choose?
“In times of frustration or anger, I’d say, ‘get divorced’ because it would relieve the immediate pain. When I’m more rational, of course I’d say, ‘stay together’ – it’s better in the long run…. if we can actually turn things around and make a happy home. We’d undoubtedly be modeling perseverance to our kids and friends – and perseverance is a virtue – right?”
8. What will it take to feel good about making the decision?
“I’ve been trying to make “US” better, but as I write this I’m thinking….maybe if I just focus on changes I, personally, can make. When I’m diligently working on me, I will feel more confident making the decision. If I’m giving my best to the relationship, I’ll know I haven’t just bailed or given up. I’d want to be totally sure of my decision because it is a life altering choice – not just for me, but for my kids, my wife and our families and friends. Divorce will affect all of our loved ones, but so does our nasty relationship!”
9. What is the best timing for deciding and how can I make that happen?
“I’ve been consumed thinking about it, which is making me more miserable. I want to decide now. So….I’m deciding to work on me – now. Since I’d rather make this marriage good, I’m choosing to invest in it by changing me.
I’m not going to file – ever I hope, but at least not in the foreseeable future. Wow, this really changes how I feel. I feel like I can breathe and let stuff go and just do my best to be a good husband and father. It makes me feel less defensive and more in control. I don’t know why….”
10. What is my next step?
“For now, I’m going to stop considering it… stop thinking that divorce is an option so that my efforts might have a chance of working. I will Read Boundaries in Marriage, talk to my Aunt and Uncle who have been through hard times, but seem to be really happy now, and reach out for help or go to a seminar. Did you say you have online seminars?”
Yes, we do! The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work