people – Coaching for Wholly Living | Board Certified Life Coach

September 12, 2014March 31, 2015

Perspective Changes Everything!

Through the eyes of a cassa nova, I look like this? I was in Italy – but really? What I found out later is that it takes more time to draw wrinkles! I guess we didn’t pay enough to get reality so I look like I’m a 20 – nice!! Although, I don’t think I was ever quite that pretty but…. if you want to see me as youthful and beautiful, I guess I won’t complain. Ok, back to reality.

What is REALLY TELLING is that even through the lens of the photographer I look WAY better in the picture above than in the picture below.

It’s SIMPLY THE ANGLE from which he’s chosen to view me.

Suddenly I’ve gained 40 pounds, have scary eyes and an evil smile. Click the photo to enlarge it if you don’t see what I mean.

These untouched photos and portrait are perfect examples of how important it is to choose your angle carefully when looking at people.

Just like our physical appearance is dependent on the angle from which we are viewed, our character can also be viewed from various angles. We all hope to be viewed through a rose colored lens so that people focus on the good and beautiful parts of our personality. Unfortunately critical people do not see us that way yet there’s little we can do about it so there is no point in spending time worrying about it or trying to shift their focus.

Everyone is free to choose the angle with which we view people. One thing that can change the way people view us is to view others with grace – even our critics. Overlooking flaws and focussing on what is good in a person changes our relationships in incredibly positive ways. When we focus on the good we feel differently towards them which changes our behavior and almost invariably strengthens the relationship. Further, when we are less critical, we have more energy and our ability to positively influence the world grows.

January 21, 2014January 22, 2015

Saving Relationships – Step #10 – Do Something Different

People who have great marriages will tell you that great marriages do not happen with out great effort. It takes creativity, intentionality, persistence and dedication to the process. It may come naturally to a few, but most of us are acutely, maybe even painfully, aware of the effort it takes.

I hate to admit that I am one of those who is acutely and yes, sometimes painfully aware, of the effort I have to make. I’m sure it’s my selfishness and pride that get in the way of a natural, wonderful flow of life with my man but I’m just like everybody else – I get busy and focussed on other things and my marriage becomes a side note, even a bother at times. I first realized this about myself when I felt relieved when he went out of town. Becoming aware that it was MY lack of effort causing me to feel distant was revolutionary! I finally owned my responsibility in that distance. I couldn’t believe how differently I felt about him when I started putting “us” in a higher priority…. I’d always thought I felt distant because HE wasn’t prioritizing “us.”

I’ve learned that when I take responsibility, my perspective changes greatly. So what to do? How do you change your perspective? Changing what your doing helps.

One of my mottos for life that has served me very well: When something isn’t working – (or isn’t working as well as I’d like) – try something different.

You may have noticed that the Steps in this series do not necessarily build on each other. They are all separate thoughts and ideas and in no particular priority. To make the most of your marriage you may implement each one, but you may not. Relationships are even more unique than individuals because they combine the qualities of 2 people! You know your relationship better than anyone – so note what you’ve been doing, and try something different.

I try to remember what I say….“Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.”

One of the reasons Relationship Coaching is so effective is because coaching is tailored specifically to each unique relationship. Coaches have no set agenda or program except to work with you to strengthen your relationship. We enjoy being creative with you in developing an intentional plan of action. What ever path you choose for strengthening your relationship, I hope you will be dedicated, stick with it, and receive the same kind of wonderful blessings the couple I will tell you about in my next series of postings. A true story of transformation.

All the best to you as you put your best efforts into making your marriage great.

Step #10
Do something different. Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent.

January 21, 2014January 22, 2015

Saving Relationships – Step #5 – Grown Apart? How to Reconnect.

Dave – lovin’ life!

If you’ve read steps 1-4, you may be thinking, “yeah those suggestions are all well and good, but more effort on my part is a futile waste of energy.” I know that feeling. I’ve been there once or twice… and to keep it real, my husband has been there too. It’s possible you’re married to a psycho or sociopath – in that case, you probably aren’t reading this – but YOU are, so there is a ray (as small as it may be) of hope.

What makes me think all these little Action Steps will make a difference? There are many reasons, but let me make one thing clear…. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it takes a commitment of love that continues to: “Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.”In response to my question – these type of things work because what humans long for is connection. From conception to the time we are born we are completely connected to our mothers for our very existence. Once the cord is cut we long to connect to others.

I have a son who loves to talk to me and listens pretty well too. I shared this idea and began to explain that the connection we all long for is to be listened to and understood. He immediately said that words are insufficient for being understood! So true. We agreed that the beginning of connection is to be listened to and cared for. We may not be able to understand, but we can care! Just think about it, we begin to connect with people by being interested in them and in their interests. And we feel connected to others when they are interested in us and our interests. Steps 1-4 help you connect by showing you care.

Step #5 takes that connection a bit deeper. Talking about each other’s interests is great, but when we get involved with each others lives and your interest becomes my interest, we connect in a much bigger way.
Some therapists suggest that you should do this even if you don’t enjoy each other’s interests. That’s great if you can do it with a cheerful heart, but it’s a terrible idea if you end up miserable – that takes the joy out of it for both of you!Finding common ground for fun can be hard when you feel like you’ve “grown apart.” But here’s an example of how we’ve brought some joy back to our relationship. He loves to go on 3 or 4 day fishing trips. I don’t love fishing. That catch and release thing seems like such a waste of time but I do love being out on the water – for a while, so I will accompany him one day and maybe even do a little fishing. What I love is to be in a beautiful setting, with a good cup of coffee and a book. You get the idea. We were creative and it has worked out beautifully.

Irish novelist (1825) Maria Edgeworth says, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.” I would change ‘toy’ to ‘boy’ and add that the same is true for Jill – except she doesn’t become a boy 🙂

The point being – relationships take work but without a good dose of fun on regular basis a marriage will be dull and unhealthy.

What will you do, this week, with your spouse, that is just plain fun – for both of you?

Step #5 – Connect by having fun together.