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Where Is Your Energy Going?


My habit of too much contemplation was weakening me. Wondering, thinking and reflecting are all a part of contemplation. We absolutely need time for it! However, anything overdone can be detrimental. This habit of overthinking was delaying me taking action.

The antidote for me came in the form of a proverb. It says, “a discerning heart acquires knowledge, the ears of the wise seek it out”. When I focussed the energy I was using contemplating, toward learning, it helped me feel ready to move into action.

My natural tendency used to be that I was a good initiator but could quickly lose interest. When I realized this about myself, I went to the other extreme – too much contemplation. By putting the wisdom of the proverb into practice, I’ve shifted my natural tendency to work for me instead of against me. I’ve found that it is far better to jump into learning about the things I may want to do, before jumping into a commitment. Though it is one more step to take, prior to action, the learning actually helps my contemplation phase move quicker because it often provides answers to things I would otherwise be ruminating on.

We need to spend enough time contemplating, meditating on and praying over big decisions, but taking the time to learn is equally important.

While I’m not always a big fan of personality assessments, things like the Career Direct Assessment and the Symbis Assessment for couples are great tools for learning so that the commitment or direction you decide to take is on more solid ground.

What habits are weakening you?

How would learning or gaining knowledge help?

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Thanks!

I’ve learned so much in the last couple of days, thanks to my neighbor, Madison Christine Davis. She is patient and kind and even gave me written instructions to keep for later! Maddie’s been helping me with my web-site for years but over time, she has become a great teacher.

She also helped me link my website to my social media accounts. This is a test post – to see if I can do it by myself.

Thank you Maddie for teaching and empowering me and for spending part of your Spring Break with me!

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Should We Split?

Making Decisions 
 
No matter what decision we make – it’s scary! When we don’t know what the future holds, it’s hard to find peace. Funny thing is… we never know what the future holds! But when we know our future will be altered greatly by one decision – it is unnerving!

Here are 10 questions to work through when making ANY decision. Below the questions, I’ve posted how they might play out for someone considering divorce.

10 Questions For Making Decisions A Little Easier 

1. How will making this decision make my life better?

2. What if I just don’t decide or postpone making the decision?

3. What specifically, is making this decision difficult?

4. What false beliefs am I hanging onto?

5. What is the ultimate outcome that I want and what will it take to get it?

6. How could it benefit me to include others in this decision making process?

7. If I believed that whatever I chose would be good and fit whole-heartedly with my values, what would I choose?

8. What will it take to feel good about making the decision?

9. What is the best timing for deciding and how can I make that happen?

10. What is my next step?

If you feel miserable and all the life your marriage once had, has been sucked dry and you want out, see how these questions play out. Your answers may be different, but seeing how they can how the work might help.
“Should I get divorced?”  

1. How will making this decision make my life better?

“I can’t stop thinking about it! Deciding would mean I either move forward with filing or take other steps forward to make my life better. I want to make the decision so that it stops gnawing at me and my buddies quit asking me when I’m going to file – I hate that! It’s like they know what is best for me. Making the decision will give me a sense of peace and help me get on with life. I need to be in a better mood!”

2. What if I just don’t decide or postpone making the decision?

“I will keep asking the question which means I will keep fretting about it – or at best, wondering what the right decision is. The question seems like it’s the worst part.”

3. What specifically, is making this decision difficult?

“I know the divorce rate is higher for second marriages. So I’m weighing the relief my friends have felt, at least initially, with the statistics. Would I be just as unhappy in a second marriage???”

4. What false beliefs am I hanging onto?

“For some reason, I think I would not be a statistic – a fresh start is what I need. On the other hand, no one can honestly be sure that they would not be a statistic. I really don’t want to be that guy who has 3 ex-wives at his funeral. I’d rather not have one ex! The best scenario would be to leave an adoring wife behind – ha – I better not die tomorrow!”

5. What is the ultimate outcome that I want and what will it take to get it?
What I want

  • “I want to be happy & I want her to be happy,  and… happily married.
  • I want the best for my kids.
  • This seems like it would take a miracle, but I’d like to us to be friends and lovers again. Even broken families seem to do best when the hostility goes away.”

What It Would Take

  • “To be happy? I’d have to believe that real joy and peace do not hinge on relationships or circumstances. I guess I can only try to improve ME and maybe that will make her happy? Doubtful. Her happiness is really up to her. If I really work on me, she might actually, for once, work on herself.
  • To give my kids the best?  I know statistics prove happy homes are the best for kids development, academically, emotionally and relationally.
  • To have a good relationship with my wife?  I know that you can’t have a happy home with unhappy people -I guess the best thing I can do is work on me -personal transformation – because I can’t blame all my crappy thinking on her – that would be unfair – she just makes it worse!
  • HOPE, and prayers for a miracle.”

6. How could it benefit me to include others in this decision making process?

“If I want affirmation for getting a divorce, I can keep talking to all my divorced buddies……  If I want affirmation for working it out, I can talk to people who are happily married and have been together a long time – surely they’ve all survived problems of some sort. …If I listen to both I will stay confused.”

7. If I believed that whatever I chose would be good, what would I choose?

“In times of frustration or anger, I’d say, ‘get divorced’ because it would relieve the immediate pain.  When I’m more rational, of course I’d say, ‘stay together’ – it’s better in the long run…. if we can actually turn things around and make a happy home. We’d undoubtedly be modeling perseverance to our kids and friends – and perseverance is a virtue – right?”

8. What will it take to feel good about making the decision?

“I’ve been trying to make “US” better, but as I write this I’m thinking….maybe if I just focus on changes I, personally, can make. When I’m diligently working on me, I will feel more confident making the decision. If I’m giving my best to the relationship, I’ll know I haven’t just bailed or given up. I’d want to be totally sure of my decision because it is a life altering choice – not just for me, but for my kids, my wife and our families and friends. Divorce will affect all of our loved ones, but so does our nasty relationship!”

9. What is the best timing for deciding and how can I make that happen?

“I’ve been consumed thinking about it, which is making me more miserable. I want to decide now. So….I’m deciding to work on me – now. Since I’d rather make this marriage good, I’m choosing to invest in it by changing me.

I’m not going to file – ever I hope, but at least not in the foreseeable future. Wow, this really changes how I feel. I feel like I can breathe and let stuff go and just do my best to be a good husband and father. It makes me feel less defensive and more in control. I don’t know why….”

10. What is my next step?

“For now, I’m going to stop considering it… stop thinking that divorce is an option so that my efforts might have a chance of working. I will Read Boundaries in Marriage, talk to my Aunt and Uncle who have been through hard times, but seem to be really happy now, and reach out for help or go to a seminar. Did you say you have online seminars?”

Yes, we do!  The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

 

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Kelsey’s Journey to Extraordinary

Occasionally I hear from a gal I coached many years ago. She was my very first client – we started way back in 2007. (In case you are wondering about client privacy, she has been very public, sharing her journey on social media, and is thrilled for me to promote her!)

Kelsey Keogh is a delightful person. Her charm and enthusiasm for life shine when she’s doing what she loves and she gushes with excitement when she is telling you of her latest project or gig. She is one of many amazing people I’ve been privileged to walk alongside.

When I think about the AMAZING people I have coached over the years, I am a bit overwhelmed and certainly honored to have been a part of their journey. It could be that I’ve been blessed with clients that are particularly awesome. Or it could be that I’ve had the privilege of working with ORDINARY people who have made great, maybe, extra-ordinary choices. Choices that led them to wholly living. Choices that were in alignment with who they were created to be; choices that honored their unique personality, skills, abilities, potential, as well as their life and work values.

You see, we’re all just ordinary people. We do ordinary things – eat, sleep, work, raise kids, play a little and some adventurous souls travel or even do extreme sports. But few think they have the potential or resources to do, on a daily basis, the thing they’d REALLY love because they don’t think it’s possible to do that thing that would utilize their uniqueness and be great fun! Kelsey is one example of how stepping out in faith to pursue whole-heartedly what she loved took courage, hard-work, persistence and resilience but has paid off in huge dividends. She chose to have a growth mind-set and it allowed her to blossom.

She was just a junior in high school when we began working together. I was still in the process of becoming certified as a Life Coach but they were willing to let me practice my new skills in exchange for piano lessons for our youngest son.

Kelsey was a responsible young lady and wanted to make wise choices for her future. She loved playing the piano but pursuing music as a career did not seem wise to her. She was good, but lot’s of kids are good. No one considered her a prodigy, so we went through the coaching process and she talked about several other ideas she thought seemed interesting.

She knew it seemed most reasonable to pursue a business degree but she was not excited about it.

 www.kelseyleemusic.com

Her exuberance when she talked about playing music was undeniable. Her biggest fears were that making her beloved passion into a job might take the joy out of playing – not to mention – how would she ever make money?! Knowing she was not the type who would only be satisfied if she had fame and glory made my job a lot easier.

Kelsey Keogh is an ordinary, young woman who is doing extraordinary things in her twenties! Check out her website – especially the events page and make a date to have dinner at the Space Needle or the Benaroya Hall to see her perform.

If you are ready for a career that fits you like a dream, a good place to start is with the Career Direct assessment. Check it out. https://coachingforwhollyliving.com/career-direct/